Keeping Up With My Thoughts

I know I haven’t kept up with this webpage or blogging. It’s been hard to keep up with my thoughts and how my brain functions and processes things. Therefore, I’ve found something new that I think will help. PODCASTING!! Lol…hilarious?? Absolutely it is since I’m no closer to understanding technology than when I started this

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Grief Eruptions At Home

Today is one of the worst days. No matter how I try to explain anything it never comes out right or understood from my point of view. I’m looked as only caring about my own feelings and grief about Jace. No one thinks I care about their pain. No one thinks I’m there for them.

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It’s Harder Than You Think

I know I’m always saying that I’ll keep up with this page and blog more….and then I don’t. It’s like I’ve fallen off the face of the earth and, to be quite honest, I actually do feel like I’ve fallen off the face of the earth. I was told from the very beginning that the

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My Personal Opinion

One thing in particular that’s mentioned from people struggling with grief is how people start to avoid them. Not like a polite kind of slow fade out either. I’m talking like cut off…no easing out…no explanation (not like we need one)…they just disappear. If you think about it, that’s pretty fucked up. On the other

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Finally Getting My Chance To Be Heard

It’s been really hard for me to keep up on here. I feel like I’m regressing with my grief…going backwards maybe?? It’s been 18 months since Jace passed. Just writing or saying that brings instant tears. I know everyone grieves at their own pace but, I know this is something that I will never get

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Grief and Corruption: Part 3

Grief and Corruption: Part 3 https://jaceslegacy.wordpress.com/2021/03/07/grief-and-corruption-part-3/ — Read on jaceslegacy.wordpress.com/2021/03/07/grief-and-corruption-part-3/

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The Truth About Grieving An Adult Child After One Year….

Well, I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth. I know it probably seems that way for a lot of people. Sometimes it feels that way myself. I’ve never really been the type of person to hide my feelings. Since Jace passed, I am more than uncomfortably honest when anyone asks…”How are you doing?”….

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Talking & Sharing About Grief

I have to admit that I am extremely picky when it comes to the people I actually do speak with about my pain of losing Jace. Shit, I’m pretty damn picky who I talk to about pretty much everything. The last 10 or 11 years of my life has been quite a roller coaster. So

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January 13, 2022

I have about 3 blogs that I haven’t posted because I can’t seem to focus on finishing them. Today I really couldn’t get my shit together and I’m convinced that I’m just losing my mind…kinda. My head is always all over the place. After Jace passed, I think my brain stopped…like someone pressed pause for

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2022

Time just keeps going on without you. All I thought about whenever 2022 or New Year’s was how long it’s been since I last saw you, hugged you, kissed you, talked to you. It just keeps getting further away from me. The sane part of me knows you’re gone. Then there’s a part of me

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My 2021 Year End Boo-Hoo

Sometimes I feel like my luck gets shittier by the minute. Just like Donna used to say…”If it weren’t for bad luck I’d have no luck at all”…lol. Looks like I’m carrying her legacy with that one. Not only has losing Jace gotten harder since the 1 year date that he passed, my entire house

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The Acceptance Letters Just Keep Coming!

The last few weeks have been crazy! My Madison has been accepted to every school she applied to. Not only accepted but, offered academic scholarships as well! I think I’ve said I can’t believe I’ll have a kid in med school a thousand times just this week. I’m so happy and proud of her. I

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Guess Who Won Something??

Well, Hell must’ve froze over yesterday because I actually won a contest/challenge I entered last week! I don’t have much luck winning…or anything else for that matter ha. Anyway, I was on Instagram and one of the many grief support pages that I follow was having a Grief & Gratitude Challenge. I wanted to do

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Holiday Dread…(sigh)

I’ve been trying to write this blog for almost 2 nights…trying to think of the best way to put into words how I’m feeling. To be quite honest, there’s no other way to put it than just saying….I’m still not ready to celebrate the holidays. I feel really bad because I was talked into spending

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Thanksgiving 2019

This year seems just as hard, if not worse, than last year. Thanksgiving hasn’t been the same since my Mom passed. I guess if I had to choose which holiday I struggle the most with I’d have to say Thanksgiving. Christmas is just as bad but, the month of December is pretty much terrible altogether.

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2021 Thanksgiving Edition: Talking A Little Of This & A Little Of That

I tend to go off the grid from time to time…not only with my blogs but, in real life too. Never got too, too long…kinda like 10 days to a few weeks spurts lol. Maybe my spurts can last longer than I think. I still have no recollection with time or the date or which

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Experiencing PTSD: From Lauren & Gracie’s POV

Today my Lauren had a scary PTSD moment that won’t be easily forgotten. It’s a little hard to explain since I wasn’t there. Also because Lauren was afraid to say anything to me right away. She was worried more about my reaction and decided to handle the situation on her own. I’ll do my best

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Remembering Matt

It’s hard to believe that 18 years has gone by since one of my husband’s best friends was tragically killed in an auto accident. The best way to describe Matt….hmm, he was like a huge burst of bright energy. He was funny, had a huge personality and once you met him you can never forget

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One Of My Coping Mechanisms: OCD

As I’ve probably mentioned before, my OCD has gone a bit ape-shit since Jace passed. I’ve always had OCD in that I describe as a unique attention to detail with order/arrangement that makes sense to me…maybe not anyone else. I’ve noticed it’s become a coping mechanism with stress and anxiety. After Jace passed, I’m easily

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Friends Should Be Support Always…Not Just In The Beginning

Maybe I’m just going through an angry phase but, I HATE how people avoid or ignore what I go through every single day. I’m not blind or oblivious. I am fully aware that people don’t want to ask how I’m doing because of my brutal honesty. No, I’m not fine or ok. Life fucking sucks

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My Opinion On The “Phases of Grieving”…🙄

I find it hard to believe there are therapists, psychologists and doctors that will tell their patients about the “phases” of grief. Some say there are 5, 6 or even 7 different phases to go through before you come to peace of healing. What a bunch of bullshit!! Professors who teach this should be ashamed

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A Visit On A Whim…

It’s so much harder than anyone could ever imagine…out of the blue & unexpectedly I hit a wall of emotional pain. Paralyzingly hysterical are two words no one would ever use together to describe how they feel. In fact, it doesn’t make sense…paralyzing hysterical?? For me, those two words basically describe 90% of the obstacles

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Giving & Receiving Messages

There’s a bit of a strange connection between the praying mantis and Jace. It was almost as if Jace attracted them. Personally, I never, ever see them. Jace on the other hand….he saw them everywhere since he was a toddler. I remember my Dad telling me how often he’d see them throughout the yard whenever

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Regrets…We’ve All Got Them

Anyone who says they don’t have at least one regret in their entire life is full of shit! Everyone’s either said or has done something they wish they hadn’t. I’ve been thinking about things I regret lately. If I had to make a list of all of them we’d be here for eternity. Honestly, most

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Proud Parent

It never really hits you until you see the graduation pictures of your child. It’s like proof that they’re almost all grown up and will soon be off to conquer the world. As I mother, I seem to get that lump in my throat and ache in my heart that they’re not babies anymore. It’s

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Cumulative Grief…Complicated Grief…Anything else?

Not only do I feel crazy, I’m starting to sound crazy. If I’m not cursed then it feels like someone must be enjoying the agony I go through. Crazy, right?? Well, it starts feeling that way after losing so many people who meant so much to you in less than 10 years. My Mom, my

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Until We Meet Again

My mother-in-law passed peacefully this past Monday morning, Sept. 20, 2021, with her three children at her bedside. It all seemed so fast. And it was. Before she left the hospital she knew she was coming home on hospice and given 7-10 days. Can you imagine….7-10 days?? She was in so much pain for so

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Letting Someone You Love Go Is Never Easy

It’s been an excruciating week. After staying with us for a month, my mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer. After some tests it was determined that hospice would be best. Her cancer was from head to toe by this point and she was also suffering with fluid on the brain. Last Saturday she was given 7-10

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A Lady Bug Came To Visit Last Night

Last night I noticed a lady bug sitting on the old table on my porch. It made me think of my Mom. It also made me realize that I very rarely see lady bugs anymore. I remember when I seeing them so much in my Mom’s garden years ago. That’s because I used to buy

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Taking Advantage Of The Time We Have Left

As if our family hasn’t been through enough, we’re now faced with losing another loved one. We were informed that my mother-in-law doesn’t have much time left. Cancer has taken over her body. She will continue to stay with us on hospice. Nothing means more to her than her family. As awful as it is

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Not Forgotten

All the same feelings from last year all crept back. Almost like deja vous. The week leading up to the funeral last year I was on a rollercoaster of emotions. Today, I’m back on that rollercoaster. Only this time I worry about people forgetting about my Jace. Maybe not soon but, I’m time. I regret

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In Memory 💛

http://www.copefoundation.org Above is a link to a nonprofit organization (COPE) for parents who are grieving the loss of a child. They have many great programs to help the entire family that suffer this painful grief. It’s in Rosalyn, NY where more local support programs are held. I just happened to come across one of their

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I Woke Up One Day And You Were Gone

Jace…My Rinny…this still doesn’t feel real. We’ve been through worse than this. Even when you felt knocked down and defeated, I fought for the both of us. After nearly 8 years of putting up one Hell of a fight, you won. You were here for a reason. You were meant for more. This did not

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My Open Letter To Kevin Tramel

I bet everyone is thinking that I shouldn’t waste the blink of an eye on you, Kevin. Maybe they’re right but, I will never let you live what you did go, Kevin. Never. I bet you think I don’t know every detail of what went down that night/early morning on September 5th, 2020 when you

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Avoidance

No matter how hard you try, how far you run…there’s no escaping pretty much anything especially, your emotions. Sooner or later everything catches up to you. Still, we all seem to have a tendency to avoid something at some point in our lives. Most people think it’s just best to face the music immediately rather

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National Grief Awareness Day

It seems like there’s a ‘Day’ for everything. Earlier I was checking my email and came across something that read ‘August 30th, National Grief Day’…ugh. As if I need to be reminded since everyday feels like it’s National Grief Day. I have been purposely avoiding the date lately. Actually, I’d like to avoid the entire

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Open Letter #1

To the police officer Jace and I saw on August 27, 2020, How dare you turn your back on us when we asked for help! You refused us our Right to file a report against Kevin Tramel and Melissa Torres after they brutally assaulted Jace. You laughed at us when Jace said he was afraid

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I Get On My Own Nerves…

There is no one who annoys me more than I annoy myself. This is nothing new. I’ve been getting in my own nerves probably my entire life. I know it sounds funny and it usually is….or was. Now I just feel like I overreact over things I shouldn’t. I know it’s stress which doesn’t help.

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Sucking It Up Through A Meltdown

So…I LOT has been going on that I haven’t blogged about. I mean, if I’m using this page as a journal and outlet to deal with my feelings maybe I should let out more than how I’m grieving. Besides Jace passing, this year has been one thing on top of another and another and another….

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My First Huge Step

My grief therapist sent me an email with information about 3 different events coming up this month for overdose awareness. Three walks are being held within the next few weeks. This is something Lauren and I had talked about doing months ago. Jace’s best friend, Becky, has attended these walks before and does so much

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The Best Support To Give Is Keeping Your Mouth Shut!

I know I sound depressing when I write on here. Most people would probably think I sit in a dark hole and shut out the world. Believe it or not, I manage and push through the pain a little more each day by playing with my grandkids and I’m enjoying my family. I’ve found my

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August Is National Overdose Awareness: They Do Recover

This was very emotional for me…looking through his old social media account and the pictures. There were many pictures he took of himself that he kept in a private folder through the years he was actively using. They broke my heart even more than missing him. I never saw him looking so awful, so unfamiliar,

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So What…I’m Having A Temper Tantrum

I’m just going to get to the point about a few things that makes my head want to explode. And yes, I know all the cliche advice about not being angry. I don’t care. I’m aloud to be angry and mad…everyone is for whatever reason. I need to pity party it out. I’m sure I’ll

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I’m Just A Ball Of Blah!

I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels like I do right now. That feeling of everything piling up all at once. I mean, why can’t we just get through one thing at a time?? You would think I’d be used to this sort of insanity by now. I swear, story of my life

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Coping With A Heavy Heart

I am brutally honest with my feelings of losing Jace. I don’t try to hide that I struggle every single day or how broken I’ve become. I am aware that it’s been nearly 11 months and my grief is overwhelming. Probably more than what people expect even. But only the people who truly knew who

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Believe Me, It’s Not Complicated

I deleted my Facebook page about 2 or so years ago and haven’t been active on any other social media accounts in my name. I probably would’ve deleted them too but I can’t remember my passwords and find it to be too much trouble to reset them and all that stupid nonsense. In a way

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My Favorite Boy Is 7 Years Old!

The day Noah was born, I was lucky enough to be there and cut his umbilical cord. Since there aren’t many boys on either side of our family, Noah’s arrival was like announcing royalty lol. Now I can’t believe how fast 7 years went by. I thought time flew having kids of my own but,

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No Hard Feelings…I Want To Be Left Alone

I’m almost afraid to blink because it will be September before I know it. Last July was Jace’s last good month. Well, as I remember it. For him, it was the beginning of a downward spiral. I really believe he didn’t come to me sooner because he didn’t want me to be disappointed by another

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Why My Heart Will Never Heal…

Dear Mom, Happy Mother’s Day. Been doing this for 19 years now. Isn’t that crazy. I love you. I really do. I think your the funniest, coolest, most understanding person even if you do get mad, and then I get mad sometimes. I still like you as a mom. I wouldn’t trade you for the

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Little Miss 4th Of July Baby’s First Birthday

This Fourth of July we celebrated my youngest granddaughter’s first birthday. She’s our newest edition to our family themed holiday babies. Aliyah is truly a little princess in every way. I’ve always been lucky by having content babies…never fussy, sleeping through the night, no issues teething. Same goes for my 3 grands. Aliyah takes the

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