I really don’t want to be the page that is so depressing, so repetitive in sadness and grief. My Jace was always full of love and wore the most beautiful smile even when his darkest demons were haunting him.
About once a week I like to log onto his FB acct mainly to see the memories of past posts and pics. Here are a few that I’ve come across recently. My Lauren swears that he’s sending signs on my darkest, painful agonizing days letting me know that he’s with me through certain posts. I love how Lauren does her best to comfort me and I do appreciate it so much. It’s just Jace’s absence that no sign or spiritual affection can ever replace. No one has ever loved me the way he loved me. He took every opportunity to always let me know.
My Jace…..I miss you more and more with every passing hour. It gets so much harder each day to realize this nightmare is my reality. I wish I could just accept that you are now my sweet Angel looking over me but, I can’t….I’m just not ready yet. It’s impossible to imagine the future without you. Please, if you’re Spirit is with me, just hold me tight and don’t let go…..otherwise, I’ll fall apart. Love always, Mommy xoxo
Managing my emotions
I knew the holidays were going to be incredibly difficult. I just wasn’t expecting it would make me feel so awful….draining mentally, emotionally and physically.
Thanksgiving will probably be the hardest out of all the holidays. It was my dad and Jace’s favorite holiday because of the food lol. Now that they are both no longer here, it made me not want to even celebrate Thanksgiving at all. I did not handle yesterday well. I feel awful and so selfish about how miserable I was when I still have such wonderful kids, grandkids and husband to be grateful for.
I really have to figure out ways to handle how I act while struggling with my emotions during family gathering and holidays. I don’t seem to realize how I’m making other people I love feel until the next day when I’m feeling full of regret and embarrassment. It’s hard to explain the way I feel and act on these especially hard days because I don’t quite know myself. In fact, I don’t even realize it until the day is done and over with. I want my family to know that I love, appreciate and need them now more than ever. I can’t imagine what they must think or how they must feel when I’m saying things like…”I’m done with Thanksgiving. This is the last year I cook or celebrate”…..”I’m too empty and just don’t care about the holidays”….and I’m sure there’s a hundred other things I say that don’t make them feel appreciated or loved.
I did finally reach out to my grief counselor about this. I’m hoping that using this blog will help take some of the stress off my chest. I know Jace found solace and comfort in writing as an outlet when struggling with his emotions. That’s one of many reasons why I started this page.
I’m open to any and all suggestions how everyone deals with stress or difficult times they go through. Please, don’t be afraid to share. I appreciate the people who take time to read or follow this page. Thank you 💛
Thanksgiving will probably be the hardest out of all the holidays. It was my dad and Jace’s favorite holiday because of the food lol. Now that they are both no longer here, it made me not want to even celebrate Thanksgiving at all. I did not handle yesterday well. I feel awful and so selfish about how miserable I was when I still have such wonderful kids, grandkids and husband to be grateful for.
I really have to figure out ways to handle how I act while struggling with my emotions during family gathering and holidays. I don’t seem to realize how I’m making other people I love feel until the next day when I’m feeling full of regret and embarrassment. It’s hard to explain the way I feel and act on these especially hard days because I don’t quite know myself. In fact, I don’t even realize it until the day is done and over with. I want my family to know that I love, appreciate and need them now more than ever. I can’t imagine what they must think or how they must feel when I’m saying things like…”I’m done with Thanksgiving. This is the last year I cook or celebrate”…..”I’m too empty and just don’t care about the holidays”….and I’m sure there’s a hundred other things I say that don’t make them feel appreciated or loved.
I did finally reach out to my grief counselor about this. I’m hoping that using this blog will help take some of the stress off my chest. I know Jace found solace and comfort in writing as an outlet when struggling with his emotions. That’s one of many reasons why I started this page.
I’m open to any and all suggestions how everyone deals with stress or difficult times they go through. Please, don’t be afraid to share. I appreciate the people who take time to read or follow this page. Thank you 💛
It’s the random bad days that suck the most
I didn’t need to be told that certain dates from now on will be tougher and hurt the most. I don’t think about them and I don’t intend to prepare for them because…I know that would be impossible. Obvious dates like Jace’s birthday, Mother’s Day and the dreaded anniversary day when he passed. There are a few milestone dates besides those dates as well…I just try not to think about them now.
It’s days like today…random days when I’m feeling overwhelmingly distraught, upset, anxious amongst many other emotions that there just aren’t words to describe. It’s these random days that I’m struggling with. On these days I feel like a terrible person. I feel mean and hateful about everything and nothing. I’m also having a selfish pity party and feeling….I guess the best way to describe it would be selfish because I miss Jace’s love and how affectionate, silly, annoying at times he could be with me. I feel like I’m not being fair to my other 3 girls on these shitty days which makes me become more emotional. My mind can be my worst enemy. It’s like I’m beating myself up by thinking what some people would want to say…like:
1. You have 3 other children, 3 grandchildren and a husband who love and need you. So, knock it the fuck off and go spend time with them.
2. There are people who have nothing and have lost more. It’s not like I’m starving, homeless, jobless, moneyless…I have a pretty damn good life. Get a grip and be grateful.
3. No matter what I do, how I feel…there is absolutely not a damn thing I can do to make Jace come back or change what happened. Stop dwelling and start accepting so I can move forward.
4. Now you know Jace would not want you to be this way. Make him proud and put all the effort you have from those feelings towards something positive to remember him by.
5. Start living because you aren’t the one who died. You’re just delaying the grieving process and doing this to yourself.
6. Life doesn’t always seem fair. You gotta take the good with the bad and be an adult and deal with it. You’re not the only mother in the world whose ever lost a child. If they can move on with their lives than so can you.
Although no ones actually saying these things to me on days like today, these are the thoughts that play like a broken record, non stop, over and over again in my head. I know that people think these things, some of them anyway…because they’ve expressed some of those thoughts in “nicer, more sympathetic” ways since he passed.
Well, guess what?!? I can’t fucking help it when all of a sudden my day takes a turn for no apparent reason. This is one of the reasons I have anxiety of leaving the house…it happens so fast and unexpectedly no matter where I’m at.
I really have to work on myself and have a ‘Random Bad Days’ playbook with strategically thought out game plays of how to deal and cope so I can stop hurting peoples feelings or being mean to others. I don’t like that I do those awful things…I’m embarrassed and hate that I do that. No matter what I’m going through or how bad I’m feeling, there’s no acceptable excuse for me to make anyone else suffer too. Similar to how quickly and unexpectedly these bad day emotions creep up on me is the same way to describe how quickly and unexpectedly I seem to take it out on someone. Fingers crossed, I’ll try my very hardest to make today the last day I react negatively towards others through my emotional outbursts.
As for my little shit list, no matter how true they might be, no matter if people do think those things… I will never get over this…never! I don’t know where my emotional, mental path is going to take me down the road with learning how to cope better. Hopefully, this is all part of my personal grieving process. It may take months or years until I mange my coping mechanisms. All I know is my pain and loss is the worst and most painful and devastating thing…this is mine that I have to live with. I’m not going to rush or force myself to just push through it. It really doesn’t work that way. I know I’m depressing and uncomfortable to be around…trust me, I don’t like it either but I’m kinda stuck with myself. Until you’ve experienced the loss of a child, an adult child with 25 years of memories….you’ll never know what this is like. In fact, you’ll become regretful for ever saying or thinking anything mentioned above or from my previous post of things not to say to a grieving mother. I know because I used to think only a couple those things mentioned a long time ago. It’s worse than I ever could’ve imagined.
Educating ignorance…Who’s with me?
**I apologize that I’m not great with technology, punctuation or editing so, bear with me****
Below is an email that I had to send to my youngest daughter’s principal and guidance counselor. Yes, kids can be mean. I get that teasing and gossiping happen and parents can’t fight all those battles for them. One thing I refuse to tolerate is ignorance and disrespect. These are 13-14 year old kids, not 4-5 year olds so, they definitely know better. My main problem….WTF is wrong with this kid to say one word at all about someone who has passed away…..AND say it to their sibling?!?! Not even once but, continually! I’m hoping his parents will be understanding enough to help their son realize what he did was wrong….main word is “hoping”. I’m well aware that young kids and their opinions come from their upbringing. Since there are so many people whose beliefs and uneducated opinions discriminate against the LGBTQ and Trans Communities, my feelings and words could be falling onto deaf ears. That is why I’m making sure I prepare myself. I’m going to have links with facts and information to give them, reference some books, offer places for them to go and volunteer to get one on one knowledge that these communities are people just like they are. I can’t begin to express how much I absolutely despise the stereotype that surround transgender or gay people. I don’t understand how there are people who can’t wrap their brain around the fact that there is not a damn thing wrong with someone who chooses love, chooses their way to live as their true selves and just want to live and have the same rights and opportunities as everyone should. Questions I’ve always asked when getting into heated debates, “How are gay or trans people affecting you personally? What are they taking from you?” As for Holy Rolling religious believers that like to shame by using sin as the excuse and how sinners are banished to Hell…”As we are all in one way sinners, isn’t it believed we atone all our sins when we die? If Mary Magdalene could be a repentant prostitute who Jesus loved and appointed as one of his disciples, a man who loved all beings on earth whose compassion was so pure and true not accept and love gays or trans people?” It’s amazing how angry those simple questions can make some people. Btw, I’ve never been given any actual answers unless you consider stuttering and huffing and puffing as an answer. 😏
I know I can’t change everyone’s opinions or beliefs but, I will never stop trying or fighting for doing what’s right. I also will never allow Jace to be disrespected in death. I may sound like an over protective mama bear, maybe I am, but my kids all know my love and support is unconditional and they will never go through anything without me in their corner. If I’m still alive when they’re in their 50’s, 60’s, 70’s….If they need me or being done wrong, I’ll fight for them with my last breath.
A Gift for Gracie
My youngest is a spunky, silly, loud and funny 13 year old (turning 14 on Christmas Day). She is very much like Jace in personality. Jace loved her sisters so, SO much and really had such a unique individual bond with all 3 of them.
One of the millions of reasons I love and am so proud of my Gracie is the way she surrounds herself with such true, good hearted, caring friends. Not many girls in their early teens, boys too, do that because they want to be “Cool and Popular”. I know it was always a concern and huge issue Jace and I had when he was that age. I’ll never forget him telling me the one thing I was always spot on and right about every time was how I was always right after meeting someone he wanted to be friends with. See parents, they will admit eventually lol.
Gracie, on the other hand, has such amazing friends who have been 1000% supportive, all of them and their parents came to the funeral, they are in constant contact with her and seem to be a cheerful distraction. This collage of memories and such kind words written on the back of the frame was made by one her best friends, Jackie. Our family loves Jackie and her family. They are such nice people. Jackie’s mom and I have always had such fun conversations over the last few years. I am so grateful for Jackie (her mom too) and the rest of her circle of close friends (Sofia, Grace, Lylah, Casey…and their parents) for not turning their backs since there’s such a negative, false, stigma that follows after an addict relapses, overdoses and dies. It breaks my heart to think there are probably many kids close to Gracie’s age (11-16 years), going through the loss of a sibling, parent, family member, whose friends and classmates completely abandoned them at such a devastating time. Imagine how that affects kids that age and how it can forever imprint a scar on their lives. More education, more support outlets, more compassion, more of just so much needs to be done!! When kids are left to feel and think no one cares, no way of grieving, no one to talk to or go to….the circle of addiction will never be broken.
Diving in head first…I guess
Well, I decided to go back to work. I haven’t worked since Jace passed. At first, I thought I’d try just a few hours a couple days a week. With all this pent up anger and negativity that’s overtaken grief at this point….I just figured I really need to do something rather than let myself become someone I’m not…angry. I’m extremely lucky to have a boss who is 100% understanding and supportive and is letting me take it day by day. I’m not sure what I should do but, going back for just a few hours a couple days a week turned into going back full time. I honestly don’t think anything will ever keep my mind from racing or thinking about Jace. I also know that I have such a long way to go with the grieving process and the worst is yet to come. It’s just so frustrating how quickly things can happen….even after the death of a loved one. One minute my family was grieving what we thought was an accidental overdose from a relapse to anger and despair of discovering that wasn’t the case and now a homicide investigation. Now I relive that morning in such a different way. Things we thought didn’t seem right actually weren’t right. Some people will ask me or say things like, “At least justice will be done”….or “It’s got to make you feel better knowing….” Neither makes me feel better. All it did was ignite a flame in the pit of my stomach of rage and wanting revenge. I almost feel as if it was easier to grieve and accept (eventually) an accidental overdose. If I really think about it, it’s scary that people like this and, finding out more as the investigation goes on, how close to where we live that things like this goes on. It’s like I’m living an unimaginable situation in a movie. That’s how unreal it feels. If I weren’t living this and someone were to tell me these things I would never believe them. It’s truly a nightmare.
Oh my Rinny, my Jace….your sisters feel like you’re finally standing up for yourself in Spirit and demanding the truth be told and justice to come. I’m proud of you, I was always proud of you even when you felt you were at your lowest. I love and miss you beyond words. If your Spirit is visiting or can hear me, please, please…I need to feel you. I’m so lost without you. I love you always, Mommy xoxo
Hello, God??
So, the last week or so has been super shitty. I feel like I’m one big Pity Party and I hate that. Hopefully, I’ll feel a little lighter after getting things off my chest. Let’s see….
I’m still feeling on edge, a little mean or selfish like I explained in my last blog. There are several things I hear all the time that make me want to scream. If anyone is reading this, please…I beg you never, ever, never say the following to a grieving mother. In fact, not saying anything at all and just listening or being supportive is really the best thing to do.
1. “God only gives you what you can handle” or “It’s all part of God’s plan” —Well, I’ve pretty much waved my white flag a few years ago after losing my parents (my grandparents adopted me and raised me) and my biological mother within a 4 year period. Unless, God him or herself can personally pay me a visit and explain these two stupid saying and give me one hell of an answer to his plan, I never want to hear this said to me again.
2. “Jace is at peace now” “Jace is no longer suffering”— And how is that supposed to make me feel better? He wasn’t suffering enough to die. He wasn’t ready and he’d be at peace if he were still alive now. Jace was much more religious than anyone else in our household. He prayed all the time, read the Bible, attended church services and was accepting of everything he ever gone through.
3. “So and So lost 2 kids, their house and their pet and this and that….and went back to work the next day….”—Isn’t that wonderful for So and So?? Guess what? I don’t care about who thinks their loss is worse or anything. Mine is different! Everyone’s is different and it’s so beyond wrong to ever compare someone else’s experience to anyone anyway. Especially a mother!
4. “Sadly, life goes on” “Although you’re in pain and will always miss him, you need to remember that you are still alive”—Mmm, thank you. I had no idea. Like wtf?!?
5. “You have so much to live for” “You still have 3 kids and 3 grands that need you”—No, I need them right now! Yes, they’re grieving, we all are. We all need each other.
6. “Everything happens for a reason”—I don’t care what anyone says, I don’t believe everything happens for a reason. I think sometimes things happen and there’s no good reason.
I know I don’t sound like it but, I really do try to be somewhat positive. Times like this really seem to test your strength though. Like I said in the beginning of this post, the last week or so has really tested any strength I may have left. My grandson is 6 years old and needed oral surgery. It’s heartbreaking to see him in pain and having a hard time eating even a week later. On top that, our dog (who Jace spoiled and would refer to as his son) started having seizures. In fact, my husband had to take him to the animal hospital ER because one was so bad we thought it may have been a stroke. It just seems like whenever I’m dealing with something it’s followed by a shitstorm that never ends. So, the more I hear those phrases above and the human kicking bag of Life’s sick joke I feel like…..it’s hard to keep my feelings and emotions in check. I feel like I’ve been a terrible mother, wife, friend….person in general since Jace passed. Not that I was ever near perfect but, I always tried harder than I probably am now.
Feeling mean and Angry
I hate how some days are worse than others. I also really hate how I feel when I say things like…”I don’t care about other people’s grief” or “I don’t care what other people have been though”….when the suggestion comes up about joining groups of other grieving parents. I know it sounds mean. I have a grief counselor who I talk to one on one with. She tells me my feelings aren’t mean and they are normal and not to apologize for them. That there are no right or wrong ways to deal or feel with my loss. That still doesn’t help how I feel when. It makes me sound mean and selfish but, that is how I feel right now. I hate it! I’ve never dealt with anything as painful as this before. Sometimes I wonder if it’s harder to grieve properly after finding out Jace’s death is now being investigated by the FBI. I’ve noticed a difference after that. There’s more of a relentless, boiling rage brewing in the pit of my stomach now. The more we discover and piece together just becomes such a toxic mix of emotions that are impossible to explain. I’ve also realized that the days I consider “better” (not that there have really been any good or better ones) only seem that way because I’m subconsciously forcing myself not to think of anything. Hmm…not sure if this will make sense for me to even try to explain it but, I’ll give it a shot. Not thinking of anything means not allowing myself to think Jace is never coming back. Not allowing myself to think about the investigation. Not allowing myself to accept the horrible circumstances he went through a few short weeks before he passed. I don’t know how or why I tend to do that. It seems like a short pattern of only a couple days that I do that. All I know is that I have to stop and be more aware if it starts happening again. That’s when I noticed I tend to become short and distant. Now is definitely not the for people to feel like I’m pushing them away. Even if my circle of support say they understand, it’s not fair because they’re grieving too. I usually like to send little messages on here to Jace. Tonight though, I think my family needs to know how much they are appreciated.
To my husband and 3 wonderful girls….I know I’ve been incredibly distant and at times completely lost. I’m really sorry. I know we are all having a difficult time right now. I love you all so much and need you all more than ever. Don’t ever think or feel that I’m not grateful to have each of you in my world. Right now, you guys are my only light. I love you more than you’ll ever know…xoxo
Until we meet again….
I don’t think the audio came through ☹️
Anyway, it plays to the music “A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri. Jace loved that this singer was from our town and was also a fan.
Family💛
It’s hard for me to find any reason to smile or any glimpse of light….my tunnel has collapsed. I have to stop myself when I feel that way because I …
Family💛
Social Media crap
So, I deleted my Facebook account over a year ago. I used it more to keep in touch with family that long distances and I don’t see very much. It was also good to see how friends were doing that I’ve lost contact with over the years too. I don’t know if I just grew tired of it or if it was something else…
Anyway, I also have an Instagram account that I never go on and honestly, forgot about it until I received an email about my password. I decided since I was on there I would reach out to a few people on there privately and also post pics of Jace letting people know he passed. For the most part it was nice to see how many people reached out with condolences. It was even greater that I’m not in personal contact with 2 childhood friends that I’ve always loved. Then I let the bullshit that social media tends to attract get the best of me….the drama of negative people and their opinions. I received a pm from someone who knew Jace and my other girls. At first it seemed nice so I replied, not expecting anything more. Then he sent another message regarding Jace’s addiction and made sarcastic jabs about his life and choices. Now I already knew there would be people who would assume or say and think negative things because Jace had struggled with his recovery for a very long time. As much as I don’t care about those people and their opinions, you would think they’d respectfully keep it to themselves let alone mention them to a grieving mother. It was definitely a trigger that set me off because I responded to him by losing my shit….I don’t regret it either. It actually felt a little good to breakdown a little. I’m not sure if I’ll completely delete my Instagram acct but, I won’t be going on there or posting about anything anymore. I feel like sharing Jace’s story and especially, the circumstances that caused his death should only be shared by people who I feel are worth it. Even now that he’s gone, I’m still protecting him. I already set a personal goal of becoming a speaker because that was one of Jace’s main goals. Now I want to make it happen more than ever with both LGBTQ and Recovery Awareness communities. The stereotypical stigma surrounding these topics and the lack of education is why proper therapy and proper treatment is never a priority. I don’t know if I can make much of a difference but, I will do my best….for my Jace…I will do my best. 💛🏳️🌈
Weakness or Strength
I’m slowly going through more of Jace’s things. Besides the hundreds of journals, he kept folders…of what seems like every single scrap of paper, junk mail, appt cards…you name it, he kept it. The reason I say slowly is not only because it can be overwhelming and emotional, I’m also making sure I read and look through it thoroughly. What could look like trash might have something jotted down or random phrases or just something that feels special in a way that pops…just how it felt to be with him when he was here.
One thing that stood out was this saying he printed or was given a copy. I truly feel that when the time comes and I finally have my full on breakdown of the pain that’s still brewing with grief deep inside of me that it might kill me. Maybe not literally but, I don’t think I’ll ever get through it.
Jace, this is for you💛
Anyone and everyone who is struggling, doesn’t matter what you’re struggling with, I beg you to watch this video.
Again, (I know I’m a broken record, sorry) this just screams out my Jace in every way.
Jace….I’m fighting for you and I promise that I will do my absolute best to make the world know that YOU were, still are and always will be someone who was great, who was special, whose story will be told and shared and hopefully inspire people for the better. Although you’re gone…it doesn’t mean you can’t still make a difference in the world. Your sisters and I will never let you be forgotten, we will never stop sharing your story, we will find some way for your name/story/legacy heard worldwide because you will always be GREAT! 💛 Love always, Mommy xoxo
Yes, I am re-posting my post.
I have literally lost myself in almost every way since Jace passed. Most of all, my creativity is just about gone completely. Even speaking or writing don’t make sense to most but, it’s hard to put feelings or describe my endless struggle I go through 90% of everyday because there aren’t words that exist to explain my new found Hell. I know I’m uncomfortable to be around, that I can be a broken record, that my thoughts or how I feel or that pretty much what goes on this head of mine can be insanely fucked up…I also am aware that I wish for things that are unrealistic. Like, refusing to leave the house because I’m waiting for him to come home, thinking that holding onto anything of his and really hoping/praying/wanting/loving him might…just might make this all be a bad dream or time will dramatically rewind like a movie and I’ll know what to make happen differently. I’m also not completely delusional. Yes, I do know none of my hopes or wishes can happen. Yes, I know my Jace is gone. Yes, I know he’s never coming back…he passed away (no, still not comfortable with the D word). And yes, I know I lose myself when I go on these depressing pent up feelings I share because I’m just so desperately trying to find an outlet. Even if no one followed me or read any of my posts I would still keep writing. It was one of Jace’s main passions of his that was also self therapeutic and he was genuinely amazingly gifted at writing. Did I mention I tend to lose myself and train of thought….sometimes?? Ha… Well, I replied to someone’s kind words earlier and lost myself in a sane way for a change. In fact, I not only made sense, I was able to express how I genuinely was feeling. I haven’t made sense or express my feelings since Sept. 5th…I also finally feel like my special baby would’ve been so proud of my mini breakthrough by sharing something that he and I both fought for and felt strongly about so…..Ta-daaa….I’ve decided to repost it here in honor of Jace’s Legacy!! Now after a ridiculously long blog only to repost something that might only mean something to me….here it is:
Aimee Nekoranik
November 5, 2020 at 6:01 am
Not only so important to our family, every single person who was blessed to have crossed paths with him. I know I sound like a biased, grieving mother but, posts on his FB and just today I received such a treasure of things that were his that had over 20 or so letters from different people who knew my Jace. Every single letter, from all different people….all expressing such an overwhelming outpouring of love, hope, prayers and encouragement with his transgender transformation and recovery….they all made sure to express that their lives were changed for the better because of him. It kills me and makes my heart fill up with love at the same time. I’m going to try and post about this more later….hopefully. I’ll definitely get around to posting very soon if not tonight. I’m definitely going to post a picture of the pile of letters. It makes me so grateful and proud that he came from me, that I raised someone so special, that he was mine….and then I break because I can no longer tell him, show him these wonderful memories, remind him there’s so much more he has to offer and support him….to partner with him and make a difference, make change…show the world that addicts are more than the stereotypical stigma that shadows their path….that being gay, bi-sexual, transgender is courage and hope to be at peace within your own mind, spirit and body’s rightful being and ultimately fight the battle for equality for recovering addicts and the LGBTQ community. We are human, we err, we learn and we grow. Maybe not everyone of us deserve second or third chances and you don’t have to fall into the category of recovery or LGBTQ to be someone who may not deserve more chances. Like I said, we are all human, we all err, we all have flaws….it’s what makes us unique, different….human.
Spending time with You
It’s been a while since I sat on the front step. My Lauren (23 year old daughter) bought the plaque and lights candles every night. Since no one’s home I decided to spend some alone time with my Jace. It’s so vivid yet such a blur that morning that we found you on this step. I remember feeling so dumbfounded, wondering what was happening, grabbing your face….you looked like you were just sleeping. Almost 3 years ago, Jace overdosed in our hallway bathroom. I took the door down, I gave him narcan…..nothing. That time was so much worse. He was bloated, purple, not breathing (I won’t describe everything). I woke my husband up who had 9 years of EMT experience and he started CPR. At the hospital Jace said that was the first overdose that he completely stopped breathing, no pulse….had clinically died. A brain scan showed some brain damage from no oxygen for about 4 min. It was the 10th overdose but the first time it happened at home with me. He described other times he’d OD, how he felt, what he heard, what his thoughts were and the pain and despair that followed. This time Jace was exhausted and felt completely defeated by addiction that he said this overdose and the feeling of just nothing was the first time he felt a bit of peace and he accepted his fate, telling me that he just didn’t have any fight left and wanted to prepare me that this was going to kill him. I remember pleading and begging, telling him that I wouldn’t accept that and if I had to fight for us both, so be it. The fight was such a bitter battle but, I remember (about this time last year…end Sept, 2019-ish) thinking we were going to win. That time 3 years ago was so much worse that it makes this reality not seem real. We really were so close.
My Jace….I know you weren’t ready this time. Your journal had your grocery list, drs appts, goal planning….I would wonder if you even knew you were gone the first couple weeks. I knew something was wrong. I never would’ve imagined how wrong it truly was. I’m still fighting for you. I love and miss you so much…you have no idea. Please, send me a sign, anything….I feel like I’m the only one that hasn’t felt you or your Spirit.
Love always, Mommy xoxo
Smile-Cry
In Jace’s final journal he left all his passwords and pin #’s to every acct he had. Once a week I go on his FB because it’s posts like this that people have been sharing that make me smile-cry. I know when I say how truly special and unique and different he was it sounds like any other biased mother’s opinion of their child…..until I see or hear something that proves the world really has lost someone who was more than a blessing for so many. Oh my Rinny….you are so, so missed and loved by so many. What am I going to do without you? If there’s a Spirit world beyond this life and if you can hear me, please….don’t be a stranger and let me know you’re with me and that you’re ok. Give Mom-Mom, Pop-Pop and Grandmom Donna my love and that I miss them so much too. Love always…..Mommy xoxo
Welcome 💛
This website is in memory of “Jace” Korynn Berry. Jace was transgender (born female). He was my oldest of four. Early morning on Sept. 5, 2020, my 16 year old daughter found Jace unresponsive on our front step. After several attempts of life saving procedures, the dr brought me into the trauma bay as they ended the code at 8:05am. My entire world became shattered and will never be the same. It’s going to be extremely hard to share his story but, it’s one that definitely needs to be told and shared with the world. Jace was the kindest, most caring, empathetic person anyone ever met. He was such a talented writer (he’s kept journals his entire life), smart, witty and has a unique humorous personality. His only flaws were his addiction and desire for love/companion. As a legacy for my baby, I’ve decided to continue where he left off with his journals. So, bear with me on this journey because it’s going to be a long one…..
Jace, my Rinny…..I love and miss you don’t even come close to how I feel. You were my first true love. You took so much of me with you the morning you passed and I’m struggling without you. Thank you for loving me and for the unique and special bond we had. You are sorely missed…xoxo. Love, Mommy
